Cast

Jane Adams

Jane Adams

Currently doing a course in kleptomania, Jane has managed to steal several props for us. She is also renowned for dancing with homeless people, setting fire to her own head and eating jellybabies. Her best friend is an imaginary fish called Curtis who helps her with the Observer crossword on a Sunday and produces an odour that repels all door-to-door salesmen within a 20 mile radius. She was due to attend a signing of her new book ‘Asda and Me’ on Monday at Waterstones but all copies have mysteriously vanished…

Darren Bloxham

Darren Bloxham

Famous for turning up to the MTV Music Awards in a whale foreskin dress and attempting to steal Lady Gaga’s thighs, Darren is the ultimate showbiz diva. He once arrived on stage at the Hammersmith Apollo three days late only to call Sophia Loren “a bitch” before storming off again. Between starring in C.A.F.L.T. TV and selling his paintings of celebrity vaginas he resides on a pile of cocaine in Shoreditch with a dwarf called Shergar. His new line of panda-based cosmetics is out in June. 

Mark Bowsher

Mark Bowsher

Mark is a chav. Do not trust him. He will steal your dinner money. He once drank an entire bottle of white spirit before his GCSE Sport Science exam, then turned up, threw up, said “Whatever” and left to steal the hubcaps off the examiner’s Austin Allegro. Notable TV appearances include ‘Crimewatch UK’ and ‘The Trisha Goddard Special: Stop Dissin’ My Bitch-Slag, Ho!’ If you see him please call this number: 0800 454 777. He should not be approached.

Jack Bowsher

Jack Bowsher

Abandoned by beach sheep in the Orkney Islands, Jack looked on perplexed at their sunglasses and decided to move to London. One day, in an obscenely small espresso cup, he saw a television documentary about cassowaries being eaten by sharks with knees and went briefly insane. After lunch he punched Mickey from the Bill in the back of his face, before licking the colour indigo. A local looked on ambiguously and served no further purpose to the story. Soon after he was lured by the bright lights of the internet, where C.A.F.L.T. welcomed him with open talons.

Emma Brand

Emma Brand

After a brief career as a fire hazard, Emma took up creating her own currency, the Brand-Dollar, and patenting her own series of bras made from chocolate buttons. You can eat them, you know!  Emma was trained as a pudding taster at the University of Hull but was thrown out for continually chewing a bronze statue of an Alabama Soft Rock Pie. She went on to forge a career selling second-hand A-bombs and making cakes in the shape of Alyson Hannigan. She currently resides in a shoe box outside McDonald’s.

Mark Burns

Mark Burns

In a previous life Mark was a badger who fought against evil monkeys. Mark ended up in a battle of wits against the Monkey King Orcadarka after calling the King’s crown “a bit rubbish”. The battle took him through four magical kingdoms known as Medieval, Futuristic, Aztec and Ocean but sadly he only got 15 seconds in the Crystal Dome. In his current life he spends the majority of his time stealing wool from sheep. Soon the monkeys and the sheep will merge to form ‘Meeps’ and so the downfall of Burns shall begin…

Carl Davidson

Carl Davidson

Carl is delighted to join the company in this, his first TV appearance since his Academy Award. He took time out from writing his autobiography and playing the fat bloke in ‘The Woman in White’ to be in C.A.F.L.T. TV, in which he has invested £2.4m. If the show is successful Carl will build a palace out of Iced Gems and employ a legion of Man-Slaves. If the show is unsuccessful he will move into a skip and spend his days drinking Netto’s own brand Irish liqueur. ‘The Carl Davidson Show’ returns to our screens in April.

Kelly Davies

Kelly Davies

Kelly was brought up by Welsh wolves in the Welsh mountains of Wales  where she knitted Welsh flags all day long with Welsh fishermen who caught Welsh fish and introduced her to the Welsh Welshians who spent their days singing Welsh songs as they wandered through Welsh glades. She speaks with a broad Scottish accent.

John Fricker

John Fricker

The British Government wishes to officially deny the following accusations made against John Fricker: Mr. Fricker was not involved in couriering a lethal dose of polonium 201 to former KGB operative Andrei Lugovoi in November 2006. Mr. Fricker was not sighted smoking ballot papers in Palm Beach, Florida in November 2000. Mr. Fricker was not working as a Parisian car mechanic on the payroll of the British Royal Family on the morning of 30th August 1997 when Henri Paul brought in his Mercedes S-280 to have the brakes repaired.

Dan Hitch

Dan Hitch

There is a man…a man unlike any other. A man mightier than all those who oppose him. A man some say is more powerful than God himself. For thousands of years countless civilisations have feared him and all those who have stood in his way have met a grizzly end. Nothing can stop him, nothing can destroy him. His name alone leaves the stoutest of men shaking with fear. Ten feet tall with a body of solid rock he is none other than…Super-Big-Made-Out-Of-Rock-Man. Dan Hitch is also a man.      

Lisa McGeoch

Lisa McGeoch

Lisa rose to fame in 1939 when she invaded Poland. Thirty years later she become the first man on the moon before retiring to Vegas to eat cheeseburgers and sing ‘Suspicious Minds’. It was from her throne of crisp wrappers and take away boxes that she penned her book ‘Oranges are Not the Only Lesbians’ and bred a new species of gerbil that could be used as contraceptives. After a string of rock ‘n’ roll boyfriends she finally wed some random country singer called Kenny.  They did it on a beach. The wedding that is.

Katie Newland

Katie Newland

Once there was a fair, young princess who was locked away by an evil witch in the tallest tower of the scariest castle in all the land. But one dark, dark night she crept from her room, using her magical hair to pick the lock, singing the goblin guarding her room into a trance and smearing the floor with blancmange to slow down the witch. Then she found the witch’s time machine and travelled forward in time to the year 2010… Now children, can you guess who that young princess was? Yes! It was Katie!

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One Response to “Cast”

  1. Hello everyone, just stumbled across the website link and cant believe that caflt is still going over 10 years on. I can still rememeber caflt outtakes at marks 16th birthay, seems so long ago. Good luck to you all

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